McPherson's Lament

"McPherson's Lament" is a song written by a collateral ancestor, Jamie McPherson, the night before he was hanged. He played it on his way to the gallows tree in November 1700. The song is also known as "McPherson's Rant" or "McPherson's Farewell." Jamie's laments, rants, or farewells are not meant to indicate the tone of this blog.

Sunday, in excavating my desk in search of a lost object, I found, not the lost object (that came later) but an unopened envelope that had been buried under the detritus for more than a week, maybe two. In the envelope were notes written by hand, in ink, with a pen on the kind of paper you want to rub softly between your thumb and forefinger, even sniff. It is not the kind of paper that your printer or copying machine spits out.

It’s a small band, those of us who care about paper and fountain pens, but it is large enough to have kept Fahrney’s, which sells both, in business in Washington, DC, for more than eighty years. Of course, eighty years ago there were no ballpoint, felt-tip, roller-ball or any other such pens that I know of. If you needed to use a pen, and most everyone did, it was either a metal-nibbed version of the quill or a fountain pen. The alternative was a pencil, and that was used for arithmetic.

In college I and many others took notes with an Esterbrook, a good, cheap pen that disappeared in an avalanche of Bics some years back. But Fahrney’s didn’t. It adapted to changing times and now is nationally known for its fine pens (at fine prices, one might add) and for its pen doctor, who repairs the precious objects they sell. If you ever visit the shop, you’ll understand what I mean by “precious objects.” It looks a lot more like Tiffany’s than Office Depot and gives off that high-end hush usually reserved for old churches and the salons of purveyors of rare gems.

Many years ago I bought a Mont Blanc there, when it was a small shop and before George Will appeared in Newsweek with one in his pocket, for a small fraction of the price they sell for today. If I remember correctly, it cost me less than forty dollars. I still have it. When I read the note uncovered in my dig, its luxuriously leisurely quality—the pen, the paper, the ink, the hand, and the words, of course—told me that a reply in kind would be only fitting and proper.

So I searched for an appropriate note paper. I found something I’d picked up in Italy when I could afford to go to Italy and buy their papers, which cost an arm and a leg, by the way. The box had never been opened. I must have been operating under the same principle as those women (they were always women; it was not a man’s business) who never used the “good” china because it was too good to use. It’s comparable to keeping the cellophane on the lampshades but a notch or two above on the social ladder.

Boldly I broke the seal, picked up my pen, redolent of the wealth and power I so sorely lack, and responded in kind. I hadn’t written a note like that in years, partly to spare the recipient the pain of my handwriting but also because e-mail and the computer have replaced notes and tangible letters-in-the-hand in my life. I use a pen for condolence notes, of which there have been blessedly few lately, and for writing in my notebooks, nothing else. (I used to use it for signing books but there hasn’t been one of those in a long time. Soon though.)

I call them notebooks because “journal” sounds too grand, too important (and when used as a verb sets my teeth on edge) and they’re more than a “diary.” I associate “diary” with high school girls writing “Dear Diary” in one of those little books that locked. They probably don’t do that any more, texting and tweeting having taken over their world and the concept of privacy a quaint and distant memory.

I got started with my notebooks when the lilting Irish writer and the New Yorker’s “Long-Winded Lady” Maeve Brennan sent me an Eye-Ease National 53-210 notebook the day after lunch with her and Howard Moss, poetry editor at the magazine, in the Algonquin one hot summer day in 1968. “Use it,” she said. The tone was imperative. I took it home, put it on a shelf.

The notebook stared at me, unopened, for a year until at the end of another hot day the following summer I did finally open it and write, with a ball-point pen, I might add. And I’ve been doing it ever since, not every day—there’ve been lapses, some long, some short—but enough days to fill thirty-two of them. (I’ll write about that another time.) I tried but failed to find another Eye-Ease National 53-210. I moved on to other notebooks, and other pens until I found the Mont Blanc, an anachronism, perhaps, but I like it.

I remain grateful to Maeve Brennan for starting me on the notebook thing and to Howard Moss for bringing us together. I’m grateful to Fahrney’s, too, for putting the pen in my hand. 

Posted at 9:36pm and tagged with: pens, ink, handwriting, letters, paper, Fahrney's, Esterbrook, Mont Blanc, notebooks, journal, diary, Maeve Brennan, Howard Moss,.

… but here it is, anyway: my best advice. Actually, it’s not even mine but Flannery O’Connor’s.

Time is very dangerous without a rigid routine. If you do the same thing every day at the same time for the same length of time, you’ll save yourself from many a sink.

Routine is a condition of survival.

I believe I first came across these words when I was reading Flannery O’Connor’s Letters some thirty years ago, in the age of the typewriter. I typed them on a file card and taped them to the wall beside my desk. Later, when I had, regrettably, given away my typewriter and switched to a computer, Flannery’s words were the first thing I saw on the monitor after firing up my computer. They were too guilt-inducing, so eventually I removed them.

My powers of resistance, even to the best advice, are high. For example, some time in the Seventies I went to a very expensive psychiatrist in New York who was going to hypnotize me into quitting smoking. There were certain stipulations to the appointment. The one I clearly remember is that this was a one-time event, no follow-ups, no repeats, no stepping into the same river twice. Later I realized why.

In any case, I was lying back in the very relaxing chair he used for these sessions and allowed myself to be hypnotized into a pleasantly relaxed state. I don’t remember what he told me when I was under the influence but it was probably something along the lines of: from this moment on I would have no desire for cigarettes. What I do remember, however, and very clearly, is that while I was in the hypnotic state and he was beaming his anti-smoking messages my way, he was cleaning up his desk, organizing his papers. I could hear them rustling. I could see him through my half-closed eyes. He should have put me into a deeper trance. I may have been immobile and silent, but I was aware of everything that was going on in the room. 

After what I thought was an hour, he brought me back into the world and I left. I looked at my watch. My time in the hypnotist’s chair had seemed like an hour but in fact it was only fifteen minutes. He probably saw three people like me in an hour. Walking by a shop window I saw myself reflected in the glass. I stopped to take a longer look. As I was looking, I thought, “That old fraud isn’t going to tell me what to do!” I went into the nearest tobacconist (there were tobacco shops in every block in New York in those days) and bought a pack of cigarettes. I left and lit up. It was true, I noticed, that I had no desire for the cigarette, that in fact it tasted vile, but I was undeterred and smoked it anyway. By evening my habit had returned in full force. (If anybody cares, I quit smoking years ago without hypnotic reinforcement but for a time I did become seriously addicted to Nicorettes.)

Now the hypnotist may have annoyed me, but he was right: smoking was bad for me. I knew it. Every smoker knows it. So why didn’t I quit?

I’m not lying on Dr. Freud’s couch here so I’ll leave that question unanswered—if, indeed, it can be answered. I could ask the same question about Flannery O’Connor’s advice. I knew she was right. Why wasn’t I following it?

In fact, whenever I did get anything done, like a book, I did follow her advice, and the more I kept to it, the easier it became. Actually, when I was working like that, I wasn’t thinking about whether what I was doing was hard or easy; I was just doing it. I was sitting down every morning and working until I felt it was time to stop for the day. I developed a routine. I have no doubt that it saved me from many a sink. As a bonus, It kept me out of trouble.

Flannery’s advice applies to all sorts of activities but especially to those that require effort and concentration and time, from learning to play the piano well, to becoming a good tennis player, to writing a book. It worked for me, when I let it.

What I’ve written here was advice to myself, I now realize. But anyone should feel free to follow it.

Posted at 7:21pm and tagged with: Flannery O'Connor, Letters, advice, hypnotism, smoking, routine,.